CICERO’S 2025 BEARS SEASON PROPHECY
Claws, hot dogs, and Packer carnage guaranteed
PRELUDE: A HUNGRY ROAR RIPPLES FROM COOK COUNTY
Deep in the forest preserves along the mighty Des Plaines River, I, Cicero, have awoken from a long slumber. Fueled by hot dogs, beer, and broadcasting from a satellite dish made of discarded Packers helmets., I come bearing the truth:
2025 isn’t just a season. It’s The Year of the Bear.
Let’s dive into our completely unbiased, totally realistic, absolutely ferocious 2025 Chicago Bears season preview.
🧠 Offense: Caleb Williams Ascends to the Sky (Like, Literally)
Caleb “The Savior of Chicago” Williams isn’t just a quarterback. He’s a football-shooting comet. He doesn’t throw passes, he launches miracles. This year, he’s throwing for 5,500 yards, 64 touchdowns, and zero interceptions (okay, fine, one... but the refs were on mushrooms that day).
Weapons:
DJ Moore: Becomes the first WR to break the sound barrier on a slant route.
Luther Burden: Rookie of the year. Future gold-medal flag football Olympian.
Kmet + Loveland TE combo platter: Spike so many touchdowns they have to replace the turf every week.
Running game: Roschon Johnson and D’Andre Swift form a two-headed bear (legal in my forest) and average 312 rushing yards per game.
🛡️ Defense: MONSTERS. OF. THE. FREAKING. MIDWAY.
This ain’t a defense. It’s a chain-mailed tornado fueled by blitz-package rage and choreographed turnover celebrations.
Montez Sweat: 27 sacks. Becomes the first NFL player to be legally classified as a natural disaster.
Tremaine Edmunds: Reads QBs’ minds. Literally. He picks off passes before they’re even thrown.
Jaquan Brisker: Hits so hard he’s banned in five states and delays a kickoff by three hours because opposing wide receivers refuse to come out of the tunnel.
🎯 Coaching: Ben Johnson Channels Mike Ditka’s Ghost (Even Though Ditka Is Immortal)
Ben Johnson has this team so dialed in that even the Gatorade cups run routes in practice. The team installs 12 new trick plays per week, including:
The “Double Reverse Option Jet Sweep Statue of Liberty to Refrigerator Perry’s Super Bowl Ring”
The “Aaron Rodgers Bitchface Counter Trey”
The “Fake Punt That’s Actually Just a Fight With a Cheesehead in the End Zone”
📅 Schedule Breakdown: TOTAL DOMINATION
Let’s look at the week by week carnage.
Week 1 Vikings (MNF): Bears Win 63–0. JJ McCarthy has seen enough. Retires mid-game, returns to Michigan for grad school.
Week 2 @ Lions: Bears Win77–3. Dan Campbell tries to bite kneecaps, gets pancaked by Ozzy Trapilo.
Week 3 Cowboys: Bears Win 55–10. Jerry Jones wipes tears of defeat with stack of unsigned player contract extensions.
Week 4 @ Raiders: Bears Win 42–6. Vegas fans so concussed they drive back to Oakland.
Week 5 BYE: Team dinner at Gibson’s Steakhouse in full uniform, helmets, and pads. All gas, no brakes.
Week 6 @ Commanders (MNF): Bears Win 38–0. Tyrique Stevenson redeems himself with 5 pick-six interceptions.
Week 7 Saints: Bears Win 69–13. Brisker eats the football.
Week 8 @ Ravens: Bears Win 30–9. Lamar Jackson joins the Bears in the second half out of respect.
Week 9 @ Bengals: Bears Win 47–6. Joe Burrow applies for Canadian citizenship mid-game.
Week 10 Giants: Bears Win 62–3. Malik Nabers begs to join our WR committee (approved).
Week 11 @ Vikings: Bears Win 52–0. Kevin Warren orders US Bank Stadium leveled into pile of shattered Norse viking blow horns
Week 12 Steelers: Bears Win 48–7. Corey Wooton Appreciation Night. Sweat ends Rodgers career with vicious, clean sack.
Week 13 @ Eagles (Black Friday): Bears Win 33–28. Caleb outduels Hurts in a snowstorm, writes haiku mid-drive for DaBearsBlog.
Week 14 @ Packers: Bears Win 99–0. This is what taking the North looks like.
Week 15 Browns: Bears Win 41–3. Miles Garrett blocks his own D, just to watch Caleb feel greatness.
Week 16 Packers: Bears Win 108–2. A gentleman’s shutout, Ben Johnson offers a safety.
Week 17 @ 49ers: Bears Win 24–21. Thick layer of fog and smoke from Joe Thuney’s sideline barbecue grill was a distraction.
Week 18 Lions: Bears Win 73–7. Detroit rescinds its own franchise rights. Ford Field converted to Legoland Discovery Center.
Final Record: 17–0.
🏆 Playoffs: BEAR-MAGEDDON
Divisional Round: Seattle gets steamrolled so hard they reboot as an XFL team.
NFC Championship: Revenge rematch vs. the 49ers. Montez Sweat sacks three QBs at once. Christian McCaffrey applies for Bears residency.
Super Bowl LX: Bears vs. Chiefs. Final score: Chicago 76–21. Mahomes throws one TD, then hands the trophy over.
Caleb wins MVP, Offensive Player of the Year, and Best Supporting Actor—for his cameo in the halftime show.
🐾 Awards:
Coach of the Year: Ben Johnson, for masterminding the bear onslaught.
MVP: Caleb Williams, architect of chaos.
Defensive Player of the Year: Montez Sweat, with entire Bears defense voted second, third, fourth…
Best Forest-Dweller Blogger: Me, Cicero, your Grizzly Oracle of Soldier Field.
🧀 Special Packers Section
Finish 2–15. Their only “wins”? One against a youth flag team, one by forfeit (when the Vikings bus breaks down).
Jordan Love benched after 3 games. Backups all benched by week 7. Direct snaps to running backs for remainder of season.
Green Bay fans burn their cheeseheads in ritualistic shame.
FINAL ROAR
Super Bears. Super Bowl. The Bears are BACK. So crack open a cold one, slide in a hot dog, and sharpen your claws… 2025 belongs to the Chicago Bears.
