Week 3 Preview – The Rage & Rebuild vs the Dallas Cowboys
Fellow Bears, gather around the fire pit of despair. The Des Plaines River has turned from a gentle current into a raging torrent, carrying away our serenity, our meditation mats, and hopefully Ryan Poles’ career.
We are winless. 0–2. The calm breathwork hasn’t worked. The visualization of touchdowns has not worked. Even the Old Style-powered yoga stretches are failing me. Bears fans are ready to riot, and honestly, I can’t blame them. GM Ryan Poles is looking like a man who built a roster using Monopoly money and half-eaten Gene & Jude’s wrappers.
And now we face the Dallas Cowboys.
The Context
Revenge Game Alert: Matt Eberflus, the former Bears head coach who once brought us “bend-don’t-break” defense (spoiler: it broke), now returns as Cowboys defensive coordinator. He’s no doubt frothing at the chance to stick it to his old team.
Dallas Offense: Dak Prescott looks dialed in, CeeDee Lamb is carving up secondaries, and George Pickens hasn’t gotten himself suspended yet. Meanwhile, our defensive backs look like the waiting room at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Half the secondary is taped together with gauze and hope.
The Bears’ Offense: Caleb Williams is flashing promise, but he’s also flashing “second-year QB with no left-tackle protection and a former offensive lineman as GM who literally CANNOT EVALUATE OFFENSIVE LINEMAN” vibes.
The Fork in the Road
This is where we must ask ourselves:
Do we double down on meditation? Do we close our eyes, inhale, exhale, and picture a miraculous turnaround?
Or do we give in to rage? Do we hurl our yoga mats into the fire, pound our chests, and declare this season a bust before the leaves even change color?
My Verdict as Cicero the Bear
Rage is the only honest option. The Cowboys are walking into this matchup with an arsenal, while we’re limping in with duct tape and prayer beads. But rage does not mean surrender. Rage is fuel. Rage is clarity. Rage is watching Jordan Love struggle in Green Bay (trying my hardest to manifest this) and remembering the future is still orange and navy.
This game? It’s going to be ugly. I want to tell you the Bears win 63–0, but even my paws can’t type that lie right now. What I can say is this: we dig deep, we let Caleb sling it, we manifest Rome Odunze dragging us to relevance, and we lean into the chaos.
Prediction: Bears 38, Cowboys 27. The season is not over, but Poles’ excuses are.
Stay angry. Stay faithful. Bear Down.
