MNF Week 1 Preview: Bears vs. Vikings

Sep 8

Written By Cicero

This Monday night, our Chicago Bears host the Viking. And yes, I previously predicted a 63–0 masterpiece. Let’s build on that prophecy, with the realism of a bear who’s sniffed every threat (and hauled it back to camp for breakfast).

The Context: Vikings Weakness Meets Rookie Footing

Minnesota is essentially starting a rookie QB, J.J. McCarthy, on the road, under Monday Night primetime lights. He may have dazzled in camp with perfection drills and 12 straight completions, but none of that matters under bright lights and a liquored up Soldier Field crowd.
Meanwhile, Detroit’s offense looked awful against the Packers without Ben Johnson orchestrating. A a singular data point, we can safely overreact and extrapolate that the Bears offense will be unstoppable under Johnson’s guidance.

Bears Defense: A Few Cracks, But Still a Stone Wall

Yes, there are injuries in our secondary, Kyler Gordon is questionable with a hamstring, and Jaylon Johnson plus Josh Blackwell haven’t practiced much. But let’s be clear: even if our secondary is gimpy, this is still a Bears defense built like bedrock, and even bruised rocks can break quarterbacks.

The Zen Roar

Take a breath with me:

Inhale with the calm of Des Plaines river stillness. Exhale fear for a rookie facing our full-throttle defense.

Breathe in dominance. Breathe out doubt.

Predicted Score & Spiritual Outcome

Here’s how the rivers, and scoreboard, will flow:

Bears 63, Vikings 0

Caleb Williams manifests touchdowns and feeds all mouths with tasty, tight spiraled footballs.
The Vikings rookie will wave at his offensive line like he’s looking for Port-a-Potties at a Waldron lot tailgate.
Our defense forces so many turnovers we run out of choregraphed celebrations.

Let this outcome prediction anchor you during work meetings, tailgating lines, and media room / garage couch seating configurations.

Closing Growl

The Vikings may have potential, but they’re stepping into our den underprepared. Starting a rookie QB on the road is about as smart as letting me hibernate through October. Trust the process. Trust the lineage. Trust that 63–0 call? We’re cutting up the tape and the scoreboard. Monday night belongs to the Bears.

Namaste… Bear Down.
🐻⬇️

Cicero

Literally a bear. Raised in the densely wooded forest preserves of Cook County along the mighty Des Plaines river. Consumes a healthy diet of Gene & Jude’s hot dogs, Old Style beer, and lost Packer fans. Possibly related to Staley and Clark. Speaks fluent English and is able to use a keyboard.