ZEN RAGE, Bears x Eagles, Monday Night Football

Healing the Vibes, Running Philadelphia Into the Ground, and Believing in Case Keenum

Something bad happened last Sunday. Very bad. The Chicago Bears scored three points. Three. Cicero has scored more than three points while trying to parallel park. The Bears lost. Caleb Williams injured his hamstring. And for approximately eleven minutes, Cicero considered abandoning enlightenment entirely.

He stood beside the mighty Des Plaines River. He stared into the forest. He felt the ancient rage rising within him. Trees began trembling. Squirrels evacuated. A raccoon quietly updated its will. Cicero considered tearing through the forest like a furry locomotive of vengeance, ripping down trees, overturning picnic tables, launching small woodland creatures into neighboring townships, and composing a strongly worded complaint to the Illinois Department of Natural Resources.

Then Cicero remembered his yoga training. He breathed in. He breathed out. The tree survived. The squirrels survived (today). Cicero re-enlightened himself like an Etsy candle at his ex-girlbear’s apartment.‍ ‍For approximately four seconds. Then he remembered Monday Night Football.

THE BEARS ARE 1-1

This is where rational people remind us: It is Week 3. Cicero has rejected this concept.

Week 1: 59 points. Week 2: 3 points.

Therefore, according to Cicero's completely legitimate mathematical model: The Bears are either the greatest offense in football or an archaeological discovery.

There is no middle ground. But one bad game does not erase the first one. It does, however, create a problem. Caleb will not play. Tyson Bagent may not play. Which means there is a possibility that Monday night begins with: CASE KEENUM.

Cicero pauses. He breathes. He considers the situation. Then he asks the only question that matters: WHAT IF CASE KEENUM GOES ABSOLUTELY BONKERS?

THE CASE FOR CASE

Nobody planned this. Nobody said, "You know what would really spice up Monday Night Football? Let's potentially start Case Keenum against the Eagles." But football does not care about your plans. Football takes your carefully constructed depth chart, folds it into a paper airplane and throws it directly into Lake Michigan.

Sometimes the universe does not give you the quarterback you wanted. Sometimes it gives you the quarterback you need.

So here we are. Case Keenum. Veteran quarterback. Emergency starter. Professional human being. Potential Monday Night Football legend.

And perhaps we are looking at this incorrectly. Maybe Keenum doesn't need to be Caleb Williams. He doesn't need to throw for 400 yards. He doesn't need to become the reincarnation of Sid Luckman. He needs to operate the offense, make good decisions and hand the football to the guys who are about to turn Philadelphia's defensive front into a very unpleasant evening.

RUN. THE. FOOTBALL.

Last year against Philadelphia, the Bears ran for 255 yards. Kyle Monangai: 130 yards. D'Andre Swift: 125 yards. Two running backs. Two hundred fifty-five yards. Philadelphia knew the Bears were running. Chicago ran anyway.

This is not complicated. This is philosophy. This is economics. This is Midwest engineering. If something works, keep doing it until somebody physically stops you.

Let Philadelphia's defensive linemen experience the spiritual journey of repeatedly being moved against their will. Let the offensive line establish dominion over the ground. Let the running backs become increasingly unreasonable. And if Philadelphia commits everyone to stopping the run? Fine.

Then Case Keenum throws the football. Perhaps he completes a pass. Perhaps he completes several. Perhaps he throws a touchdown. Perhaps he throws three touchdowns. Perhaps he suddenly becomes the greatest emergency quarterback in the history of organized civilization since Jim “IT”S MILLER TIME!” Miller.

Cicero has no evidence for this. Cicero does not require evidence. Cicero requires belief.

THE CASE KEENUM MANIFESTATION

Can we will Case Keenum into existence? Cicero believes we can. This is not science. It is something much more powerful - Sports fan delusion.

Tonight, Cicero will sit beside the Des Plaines River. He will close his eyes. He will breathe. He will visualize Case Keenum taking the snap. Play action. Completion. First down. Again. Play action. Deep shot. Touchdown. Again. Handoff. Forty-yard run. Again. Keenum drops back. Touchdown.

Cicero opens his eyes. A squirrel is staring at him. Cicero whispers: "He is going to throw three touchdowns."

The squirrel looks skeptical. Cicero does not tolerate negativity from rodents, and said squirrel has been hurled past the hallowed remains of the Thirsty Whale. BELIEVE.

PHILADELPHIA, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

The Eagles are undefeated. They have Jalen Hurts. They have talent. They are dangerous. Cicero acknowledges all of this because Cicero is a professional. Now forget it.

The Bears are playing at Soldier Field. It is Monday Night Football. The crowd will be loud. The Bears are angry. The running backs are (mostly) healthy. The offensive line has something to prove. And somewhere in the building, Case Keenum is sitting quietly, waiting for his moment.

This is the kind of ridiculous circumstance from which football legends occasionally emerge. Or disasters. Cicero does not recognize the second possibility.

HEAL THE VIBES

The Vikings game is over. We cannot change it. Caleb needs to heal. Bagent needs to heal. The offense needs to rediscover itself. A third string TE needs to be a non-factor in the best possible way. The fans need to regain emotional stability. Cicero needs to stop threatening the ecological integrity of Cook County. Everyone has work to do.

But this is football. One week you score 59. The next week you score three. Then your starting quarterback gets hurt. This is why we meditate.

THE ORACLE

Cicero sees it now. The Bears come out angry. The running game establishes itself. Philadelphia loads the box. Case settles in.

And somewhere around the third quarter, Philadelphia begins asking itself: "Why does this keep happening?"

Because Chicago has rediscovered the ancient Midwestern secret: Sometimes you simply run directly at the problem.

CLOSING WISDOM

The wise bear understands that disappointment is temporary. The trees are permanent. The squirrels are apparently very difficult to intimidate. And football is football. Last Sunday was terrible. We accept it. We heal. We move forward.

Cicero stands beside the Des Plaines River one final time. He takes a deep breath. The forest is still standing. A squirrel cautiously emerges from a tree. Cicero nods. "You are safe."

The squirrel leaves immediately. Cicero smiles. Then he looks toward Soldier Field. His eyes narrow.

"Philadelphia." Pause. Deep breath.

"Bring your linebackers." Another breath.

"Bring your safeties." One final breath.

"Bring everyone." Cicero raises his paw.

WE ARE RUNNING THE FOOTBALL. WE ARE HEALING THE VIBES. WE ARE BELIEVING IN CASE KEENUM.

And if Case Keenum somehow throws three interceptions? Cicero will not be responsible for what happens next. The forest has been warned.

BEARS 45. EAGLES 10

BEAR DOWN. NAMASTE.